Kitchen or the Egg

It’s our daughter Quinn’s 4th birthday today.  I felt drawn to some certain meditation but I wasn’t clear on what it was, and my regular meditations didn’t seem to fit this morning.

I sat for a while, eventually found myself traveling inward, through the umbilical cord of time.  I encountered some dark and some light, both opportunities for wisdom.  My next step was to draw some cards from Gentle Wisdom of the Faerie Realms.

I posed my question for the cards around parenting, specifically Quinn since it was her birthday, but it felt larger than that.  I asked for support to consider when I reflect on my past, present, and future around parenting.  I especially struggle with expression of anger.  I am away from the parent I wish to be when I am tired, overwhelmed, or feeling threatened.  I’m increasingly aware of the support I need during those times, and I’m seeing some healing for myself in this area.

Card 1 (past): Innocence

Card 2 (present): History

Card 3 (future): Strength

Before reading the interpretive book, I sat to relate and receive each of these concepts on my own.  Reflecting on the term Innocence lightened me when thinking about mistakes I’ve made in past parenting.  It took away some of the charge of the mistakes, helped me to remember there was more going on at any given moment than I am choosing to remember when I focus on the mistakes.  History felt like a huge permission to draw from past experiences while living in the present.  Like it matters.  So often I try to “be present” and feel awkward about where to hold history with that approach.  Drawing that card felt like it goes together in a way I seem to want to embrace naturally but keep pushing away.  Strength seemed a little heavy but true as I look to the future.  To admit that I need strength, then to explore ways I can become stronger.

Here’s what the accompanying text read:

Card 1 (past): Innocence — Open your eyes to your unique beauty.  The closed eyes of naivete lead to victimization.  Open your eyes. Innocence is regained through seeing the truth.  If you find the innocence in yourself and others, you will be able to forgive.

Card 2 (present): History — Your past leads you into your future.  Look to your past to learn, but keep moving into your future where you will bloom and flourish with what you have learned from your history.

Card 3 (future): Use all of your gifts and skills to propel yourself.  If you are stuck or are not moving, try something new — be creative! Life supports you to fly, to express yourself and your true nature.

Then I felt led to read some Tagore.  The quote we used for Quinn’s birth announcement was from this Indian poet: “You are invited to the festival of this world and your life is blessed.”  This morning, I opened the book and felt led to read this exact piece.  This is precisely where I’m at when I get angry.  Precisely.  I’m so grateful to see some of these feelings expressed in such a powerful way.

The Rain Has Held Back for Days
The rain has held back for days and days,
my God, in my arid heart.
The horizon is fiercely naked –
not the thinnest cover of a soft cloud,
not the vaguest hint of a distant cool shower.
Send thy angry storm, dark with death,
if it is thy wish, and with lashes of lightning
startle the sky from end to end.
But call back, my lord,
call back this pervading silent heat,
still and keen and cruel,
burning the heart with dire despair.
Let the cloud of grace bend low from above
like the tearful look of the mother on the day of
the father’s wrath.
~ Rabindranath Tagore

I’ve typed all of this up to give to my best friend who is a tremendous artist.  I’m going to ask her to make pictures with the text so that I can hang them in our house as supports to help guide me when I am angry.  This feels like the most luscious gift to myself, a gift inspired by Quinn’s birthday, which is ultimately a gift to our entire family.

Finally, I tell it to her every year, here it is again for anyone else who’d like to remember along with us: Quinner’s birth story.

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