Kitchen or the Egg

I had just written this as my New Year’s Day Facebook status: Harnessing this tremendous New Year’s energy surge of openness, possibility, and hope. Bonne Annee, tout le monde!

Then I lifted my fingers off of the keyboard and got up to go for my run I’d been procrastinating “just to check Facebook, first” and Declan said, “Mom, can you help me?”

I hear this pretty regularly, and there was no urgency to this particular request, but I went right into the kitchen. Huge spill of water all over everything all over the kitchen table (covered with craft supplies that had just been put away the day before, only to be reopened ten minutes later) and the floor.

Declan was worried he would lose all of his new “Magic Marbles” (plastic beads that expand into cool gel blobs in a tank of water) and was standing there, trying to keep them from rolling onto the floor. The first thing out of my mouth was kind of a mean, irritated, “Get a towel!” Then, in kind of a huge-overblown-life-lesson kind of way, with a tinge of sarcasm, “The first thing we do in a huge crisis like this is get a towel.”

As I left the room to get a large towel, I thought, wow, did you *just* write that whole thing about openness, possibility, and hope? Got nothing nice to say right now? Then clam it.

Returned to the scene of our mini-flood, wondering how so much water could come out of such a small vessel, and he and I worked around each other, Declan scooping up gel marbles, me sopping up endless streams of water. Then I tried again something new I’ve done when I get angry. I wondered what else I could “see” about the situation. I saw in myself this massive irritation, like a personal affront, that just as I was about to go for a run, I had to clean up this crazy mixed-media mess. Fine, you’re angry. Moving on…..

And I suddenly saw this amazing little boy who loves his new Magic Marbles so much.

I saw my son assume total responsibility for them, carefully scooping up each blobby bead, one at a time.

I saw my memory of how he bought them with his own money last night, so excited.

I saw his total focus on the task.

And then….
I saw that this had been an accident.
I knew that going in, but suddenly I saw it for what it was. Just an accident he asked for a hand with in cleaning up.
And I saw the gift in watching him in this way, something I would have missed were it not for this spill.

As I put away the craft supplies that survived, threw out the ones that didn’t make it, I realized that I was now seeing a clean kitchen table, something I really wanted to do before he started doing his Magic Marbles on it, but didn’t.

I saw the clear space between us, too. How he was so animated about his other grow-creatures project in the other jar, and how he felt free to guess with me what the next encapsulated bug would turn into. He knew I wasn’t angry, I was just loving him and wiping up the water. Which I then saw as what it was available to be all along – an act of love.

I felt so good about this, and thought, I have to share this story. Then Quinn came in and said, “MOM CAN YOU GET MY DOLLY DRESSED? RIGHT NOW!”

I just breathed. And I realized a little more.
Just take it down a notch. We’re not going for perfect parent. We’re not going for “never yells” right now. We’re just taking it down a notch. That I can do.

Declan took his guitar down from the wall and started strumming. Something about the way he was playing caught my ear, and I just sat and listened. I loved the way it sounded. The instrument was out of tune, he was playing random notes, but it didn’t matter. Something about it was just beautiful to me.

I was reminded of an interview with Sheryl Crow who said that while you can play the same chords on the guitar as James Taylor, you’ll never sound like him. There’s just something about the way it sounds against his body when he plays, it’s magical. That’s how I feel about Declan’s music on the guitar.

I said, “I just love your songs, Declan.” He seemed pleased but also matter-of-fact about it. “I just make them up.” He asked me if I play guitar, gesturing to the adult-sized one hanging next to his on the wall. I told him no, but I’d always wanted to learn. He asked why I hadn’t learned. I started to reply, “I never took lessons,” but I don’t want him to think that the only way to learn things is through lessons. So I said, “I just never got the hang of it.” He said brightly, “I can teach you!” And he proceeded to show me how to strum and move my fingers around to change notes. How great is this kid?

Mike and I are spending more time together around our budget lately. I’ve felt renewed motivation to understand every single aspect of our money.

We have a Google spreadsheet with basic budget targets, and we use the on-line financial tool, Wesabe, to track all of our income and expenditures. Mike set these up months ago, and after a flurry of activity at the beginning, my interest waned and I never followed through consistently. Now I’m more committed to it and enter the figures regularly.

Last week, we added something new into the mix, where I could actually reap the benefits of all of those dutifully-entered numbers: a money date. I concocted this idea after realizing that I wanted to sit down with Mike, uninterrupted, in non-crisis mode, and review reports generated out of our spreadsheets, kind of a financial state-of-the-state for ourselves. But I was conflicted about getting a babysitter to do this, having to *pay* someone for us to discuss money. Seems counterproductive to me. So I suggested meeting early, 6am, before the kids wake up, and he was game. After a few reschedules since we kept going to sleep too late, we finally met. It was wonderful.

We went through the budget but had lots of issues with the software. Still, I got a good starting point for an overall picture of our expenditures, specifically in the areas I deal with most: groceries, child expenses, and childcare. It was great to play with the numbers, analyze patterns, and update categories that had changed over time from our original budget and spreadsheet.

Since we couldn’t access more specific data I was hoping for and we still had time, I also asked Mike a number of targeted questions about my business. That was very helpful as well. I was determined to get past abstract answers and got solid answers to questions I had been wondering about. We both left with “homework” in the way of reports and answers to some questions that came up from both of us, as a follow-up for our next meeting on Tuesday morning. I didn’t think we’d make it all happen in a single meeting, but I am surprised by how much came up for both of us in terms of questions and clarifications. We’ll be doing these meetings for a while, I’m sure.

It was great to discuss money in a planned, non-loaded way instead of responding in crisis-mode. I recommend the money date as one way to tackle finances with your partner or family.